For the time being, I am switching my focus to http://lovewarjourney.wordpress.com. I don't think that I will abandon this one all together, but feel the need to focus on the other one for now. So, come on over and say "Hi."
Peace.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Love: Grief
I love the idea of love. The mentioning of love brings a rush of thoughts, memories, and ideas to the surface: meals and conversations with good friends, a deep and emotionally moving sexual encounter with one's spouse, caring for or being cared for in the midst of illness or tragedy, the gentle chaos of joy squealing, barking, and laughing through the halls of home. Love is both spiritual and earthy.
But there is a downside - real love always involves pain. Whether it is disappointment, betrayal, or death, there is no escaping it. And that pain is experienced as anger or maybe depression, which eventually give way to grief. Love, at some point, must resolve with grief. And I hate the pain of grieving. It is raw and unbridled and unpredictable. It is the reason that I fear intimacy, because in relationship, I will hurt and I will be hurt. And both bring real wrenching grief.
* * * * *
Jesus wept.
The second person of the Trinity grieved, deeply. This has recently been revealed as a mystery to me. Lazarus' sisters, Mary and Martha, engage Jesus as he arrived at Bethany. In the midst of their grief, they came to him full of sadness and anger and faith. They were not shy about reminding him that Lazarus would have lived if he had only come sooner. And as they grieve, he is invited by the sisters to see where Lazarus is laid. And John records that Jesus was deeply troubled or disturbed. And he wept.
Why did he weep? Why did the one who prophesied that Lazarus would be raised up again, sob? The only thing that makes sense to me is that what will happen does not change what has happened: the experience of pain. Despite knowing that Lazarus would be brought back to life, Jesus grieves the loss. He could have downplayed or dismissed it - "Why are you crying? Don't you know that I am going to raise up? See, all better!" He could have chided them for weeping as a lack of faith. But he didn't. He grieved the loss, felt it fully. Even in the face of impending resurrection. It was still worth grieving.
* * * * *
I have not grieved enough. Not for the big things. Not for the little things. As I have been engaging this process in therapy, I feel weird, stupid even, for some of things that I am only now attending to. But I am learning that it doesn't matter. The experience has occurred and the pain is real. And I need to honor the experience and myself and Jesus by weeping. And he will take care of bringing things back to life.
But there is a downside - real love always involves pain. Whether it is disappointment, betrayal, or death, there is no escaping it. And that pain is experienced as anger or maybe depression, which eventually give way to grief. Love, at some point, must resolve with grief. And I hate the pain of grieving. It is raw and unbridled and unpredictable. It is the reason that I fear intimacy, because in relationship, I will hurt and I will be hurt. And both bring real wrenching grief.
* * * * *
Jesus wept.
The second person of the Trinity grieved, deeply. This has recently been revealed as a mystery to me. Lazarus' sisters, Mary and Martha, engage Jesus as he arrived at Bethany. In the midst of their grief, they came to him full of sadness and anger and faith. They were not shy about reminding him that Lazarus would have lived if he had only come sooner. And as they grieve, he is invited by the sisters to see where Lazarus is laid. And John records that Jesus was deeply troubled or disturbed. And he wept.
Why did he weep? Why did the one who prophesied that Lazarus would be raised up again, sob? The only thing that makes sense to me is that what will happen does not change what has happened: the experience of pain. Despite knowing that Lazarus would be brought back to life, Jesus grieves the loss. He could have downplayed or dismissed it - "Why are you crying? Don't you know that I am going to raise up? See, all better!" He could have chided them for weeping as a lack of faith. But he didn't. He grieved the loss, felt it fully. Even in the face of impending resurrection. It was still worth grieving.
* * * * *
I have not grieved enough. Not for the big things. Not for the little things. As I have been engaging this process in therapy, I feel weird, stupid even, for some of things that I am only now attending to. But I am learning that it doesn't matter. The experience has occurred and the pain is real. And I need to honor the experience and myself and Jesus by weeping. And he will take care of bringing things back to life.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Neither...
For my Old Testament class, we have to do a 10 page exegetical research paper on an OT passage of our choosing. We were advised to work this on 2 levels: the academic/research level and the formational level. On top of the normal research from commentaries, we are to sit with scripture and just be with it and let it wash over us for the course of a week. In light of this, we are to choose a passage that we are actually interested in as the goal of the paper is not to rail against a particular passage with which we have severe problems. I had a fairly immediate sense of being drawn towards Joshua 5:13-15. Despite the fact that it is a fairly short passage, the TA gave the ok.
As I was reading for said Old Testament class, I decided I needed a break. I grabbed my bible and went up to the chapel to read and reflect for a bit. I have been feeling weird spiritually speaking as of late. Tired, overwhelmed and reluctant/resistant to being with Jesus and really engage Him in the midst of everything. So, I decided to try to spend some time with Jesus. I read the Joshua passage, which is as follows:
13 Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, "Are you for us or for our enemies?"
14 "Neither," he replied, "but as commander of the army of the LORD I have now come." Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, "What message does my Lord have for his servant?"
15 The commander of the LORD's army replied, "Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy." And Joshua did so.
The place that I am drawn to (at this particular point) is the simple word "neither" in response to the question of whose side the man was on. I am so aware of wanting to have God be on my side as I wrestle through stuff. And in a sense He is. He is for me. He cares about me, loves me, guides me, protects me, etc. However, He is not on my side. Part of the way that God is for any of us is that He calls us onto His side. He is where there is life, light, grace, strength, and goodness. Anytime that I want to have God on my side, it is probably a good measure of my self-righteousness. There is a choice of sides, but only for me, not for Him.
Can I be ok that He is not on my side? Do I hold it against Him that when I look at all the crap and ask whose side is He on, and He responds with "Neither." I don't know that I have an answer for that. Regardless of that, His invitation is for me to rest, receive, and engage from Him. But I hurt right now and I become only more acutely aware of that pain and tension and frustration when I still myself in front of Him. Part of it is that I have actually looked at who I am and why I am that way. I have found much that bothers me in glaring proportions, particularly in terms of my lack. And I feel like there is so much lacking. How is it that my struggles, darkness, and places of brokenness (lack) can weigh so much at times? And I feel like I am just starting to scratch the surface. Then throw in the reality that I am going to be helping people walk through their own stuff. I feel inadequate and overwhelmed.
At the same time, I am waiting to see in new ways my strength, my courage, my redemption, the distance that I have already come. God, grant me strength to stand on your side in the midst of this. Grant me the patience to receive from you even when you are not "on my side." Grant me the desire to cling to you in the midst of my frailty, fear, and pain. Let me be a person of worship everytime You ask me which side I am on.
As I was reading for said Old Testament class, I decided I needed a break. I grabbed my bible and went up to the chapel to read and reflect for a bit. I have been feeling weird spiritually speaking as of late. Tired, overwhelmed and reluctant/resistant to being with Jesus and really engage Him in the midst of everything. So, I decided to try to spend some time with Jesus. I read the Joshua passage, which is as follows:
13 Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, "Are you for us or for our enemies?"
14 "Neither," he replied, "but as commander of the army of the LORD I have now come." Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, "What message does my Lord have for his servant?"
15 The commander of the LORD's army replied, "Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy." And Joshua did so.
The place that I am drawn to (at this particular point) is the simple word "neither" in response to the question of whose side the man was on. I am so aware of wanting to have God be on my side as I wrestle through stuff. And in a sense He is. He is for me. He cares about me, loves me, guides me, protects me, etc. However, He is not on my side. Part of the way that God is for any of us is that He calls us onto His side. He is where there is life, light, grace, strength, and goodness. Anytime that I want to have God on my side, it is probably a good measure of my self-righteousness. There is a choice of sides, but only for me, not for Him.
Can I be ok that He is not on my side? Do I hold it against Him that when I look at all the crap and ask whose side is He on, and He responds with "Neither." I don't know that I have an answer for that. Regardless of that, His invitation is for me to rest, receive, and engage from Him. But I hurt right now and I become only more acutely aware of that pain and tension and frustration when I still myself in front of Him. Part of it is that I have actually looked at who I am and why I am that way. I have found much that bothers me in glaring proportions, particularly in terms of my lack. And I feel like there is so much lacking. How is it that my struggles, darkness, and places of brokenness (lack) can weigh so much at times? And I feel like I am just starting to scratch the surface. Then throw in the reality that I am going to be helping people walk through their own stuff. I feel inadequate and overwhelmed.
At the same time, I am waiting to see in new ways my strength, my courage, my redemption, the distance that I have already come. God, grant me strength to stand on your side in the midst of this. Grant me the patience to receive from you even when you are not "on my side." Grant me the desire to cling to you in the midst of my frailty, fear, and pain. Let me be a person of worship everytime You ask me which side I am on.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Seattle - Week 1
We made the move to Seattle a week ago today and it has been quite interesting thus far. I drove the 16' Penske truck (because I have a serious distaste/distrust of Uhaul) with all of our goodies in it into town towards our apartment. Unfortunately, Seattle has a serious signage problem and about the time that I needed to make a couple of turns, the signs were nowhere to be found. I was eventually rescued by the maintenance guy who came looking for me. Fortunately, big yellow moving trucks are easy to spot. We were greeted by several friends and family who carried most of our stuff into our new apartment which is on the third floor. On top of that, our friends Chris and Jessica, brought food! We had anticipated getting food for everyone as a thank you, but were deeply served by these friends who brought pizza, root beer and salad, all of which was heavenly. It wasn't exactly bread and wine, but rarely has pizza and root beer been a vessel of so much grace.
We spent a couple of days sleeping and chilling in Gig Harbor, and did some shopping to help maximize the use of our space (and apparently our bank account). I spent some time freaking out about whether or not my school loan stuff was squared away correctly (it was, and now I just need to get on top of registering) as well as wandering through our new neighborhood with my lovely wife. Queen Anne is great, no question about it. There is upper Queen Anne, which is a couple of blocks up the hill from us, and lower Queen Anne, which is a couple of blocks down the hill from us. We are near the Seattle Center (which we walked to in order to visit the "Bite of Seattle") , the Space Needle (which was somehow mocking me as I was lost driving to the apartment the first night) and downtown in general (which we went into for my birthday fun today). We both are finding that our hill-climbing skills are seriously lacking, but have no fear - the potential of 3 years here will certainly take care of that.
Today is my birthday! We went and saw "Wall-E", which really is a must see. It is very funny, it is sweet and innocent, it is also beautifully rendered. It works as comedy, sci-fi, and romance. Don't miss it. But I digress... after the movie, we went to dinner with my father-in-law and his wife at the Cheesecake Factory. They not only took us to dinner and gave me a present (yay present), but also gave us Mariner tickets as a house warming present (as in 'get out of the house'). I am often surprised and astonished at the way my wife's family (both sets of parents and siblings) have really included me. I am deeply blessed by their generosity and affection towards me and left feeling humbled and grateful for my "in-laws".
In the midst of this move, I have seen the lovingkindness and faithfulness of God in my friends and family in rich and moving ways. From the string of going away parties in Portland, to the moving help (special thanks to Sully and his bro, Nate, who masterfully loaded the majority of the big stuff in the truck), to those who helped move our stuff into the new apartments, to Kristin's family who have made a special point about my birthday. I am honored far above what I deserve and blessed with more than I grasp at times. May you and I continue to see all of the gifts that Jesus has so graciously put in lives and revel in His unearned goodness towards us.
We spent a couple of days sleeping and chilling in Gig Harbor, and did some shopping to help maximize the use of our space (and apparently our bank account). I spent some time freaking out about whether or not my school loan stuff was squared away correctly (it was, and now I just need to get on top of registering) as well as wandering through our new neighborhood with my lovely wife. Queen Anne is great, no question about it. There is upper Queen Anne, which is a couple of blocks up the hill from us, and lower Queen Anne, which is a couple of blocks down the hill from us. We are near the Seattle Center (which we walked to in order to visit the "Bite of Seattle") , the Space Needle (which was somehow mocking me as I was lost driving to the apartment the first night) and downtown in general (which we went into for my birthday fun today). We both are finding that our hill-climbing skills are seriously lacking, but have no fear - the potential of 3 years here will certainly take care of that.
Today is my birthday! We went and saw "Wall-E", which really is a must see. It is very funny, it is sweet and innocent, it is also beautifully rendered. It works as comedy, sci-fi, and romance. Don't miss it. But I digress... after the movie, we went to dinner with my father-in-law and his wife at the Cheesecake Factory. They not only took us to dinner and gave me a present (yay present), but also gave us Mariner tickets as a house warming present (as in 'get out of the house'). I am often surprised and astonished at the way my wife's family (both sets of parents and siblings) have really included me. I am deeply blessed by their generosity and affection towards me and left feeling humbled and grateful for my "in-laws".
In the midst of this move, I have seen the lovingkindness and faithfulness of God in my friends and family in rich and moving ways. From the string of going away parties in Portland, to the moving help (special thanks to Sully and his bro, Nate, who masterfully loaded the majority of the big stuff in the truck), to those who helped move our stuff into the new apartments, to Kristin's family who have made a special point about my birthday. I am honored far above what I deserve and blessed with more than I grasp at times. May you and I continue to see all of the gifts that Jesus has so graciously put in lives and revel in His unearned goodness towards us.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Living the High Life?
It is late, there is laundry drying, and the house looks roughly like the Muppets had an all night beer bash here, which I assure is not the case... at least not this time. I am tired. It has been a hard month. My wife's grandmother (maternal) stepped into eternity on March 5th. We made it to Lubbock, Texas, for the funeral and family time, despite American Airlines' best efforts to thwart us. But at least getting back was at least as laborious as getting there. We got back and sort of stepped into an overwhelming tide of normality that particularly caught my wife off guard. Then two and half weeks later, my wife had surgery. Not a life-threatening, call in the priest sort of surgery. But a necessary one with some recovery time.
I have been doing my best to care for my wife; cooking, cleaning, making calls, and many other forms of being there. I have to say that I love my wife, and I love being there for her. I also have to say that despite however many years I have choicefully belonged to Jesus, it has been a hard month for me. I am not naturally someone who serves with such constancy, compassion and energy. I find that my own personal limitations have become very... accentuated by the current events in our life together. I am not a multitasker, so if there is laundry to be done, something cooking on the stove, and my wife needs a little TLC--two of those things are just going to have to wait as I seem incapable of satisfactorily diverging my attention to all of the tasks at hand. Generally, this means that the food gets burned and socks get turned inside out for another use.
As I reflect on the upcoming transition, this time has both confirmed my desire to pursue a post-graduate degree in counseling and, at times, called it into question. I look forward to the possibility of being in a profession where it is just me with one other person and their story, with no distractions or picking up that needs to done. I also recognize that in my desire to love and serve my wife, I find that my will and energy are not what I hope or think it should be. And if that is something that becomes a struggle in the most significant part of my life, what will happen when I have 20 people in a week wanting/needing that kind of undivided focus?
Not that I am thinking of not going back to school or not pursuing a Masters in Counseling Psychology, but I am a man with definite limitations. I am coming not only to accept my limitations, but to praise God for them. In the spirit of John the Baptist, "He must become greater; I must become less." In my marriage, my upcoming schooling, and my future professional career, may it be so.
I have been doing my best to care for my wife; cooking, cleaning, making calls, and many other forms of being there. I have to say that I love my wife, and I love being there for her. I also have to say that despite however many years I have choicefully belonged to Jesus, it has been a hard month for me. I am not naturally someone who serves with such constancy, compassion and energy. I find that my own personal limitations have become very... accentuated by the current events in our life together. I am not a multitasker, so if there is laundry to be done, something cooking on the stove, and my wife needs a little TLC--two of those things are just going to have to wait as I seem incapable of satisfactorily diverging my attention to all of the tasks at hand. Generally, this means that the food gets burned and socks get turned inside out for another use.
As I reflect on the upcoming transition, this time has both confirmed my desire to pursue a post-graduate degree in counseling and, at times, called it into question. I look forward to the possibility of being in a profession where it is just me with one other person and their story, with no distractions or picking up that needs to done. I also recognize that in my desire to love and serve my wife, I find that my will and energy are not what I hope or think it should be. And if that is something that becomes a struggle in the most significant part of my life, what will happen when I have 20 people in a week wanting/needing that kind of undivided focus?
Not that I am thinking of not going back to school or not pursuing a Masters in Counseling Psychology, but I am a man with definite limitations. I am coming not only to accept my limitations, but to praise God for them. In the spirit of John the Baptist, "He must become greater; I must become less." In my marriage, my upcoming schooling, and my future professional career, may it be so.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
The Last Month Plus...
So, in case you hadn't noticed, I am not the most disciplined with this dang thing. But, I am here now.
The last month and a half have been busy, so I will do the highlights:
In late June was my wife's birthday! We had our private celebration at the Cheesecake Factory, and then a party at Wilfs with a bunch of friends. Both were good and my wife loved her hard won gift.
In early July was our anniversary and we had a great dinner at Jake's and a night at a fancy-schmance hotel, woo woo!
And my birthday was later in July and we had a great open house that people came over and ate and talked and we eventually broke out the Wii. Many rounds of tennis, bowling, and boxing ensued. And there was much rejoicing. Yay!
Now onto this weekend. We went to the coast because of the invitation of a friend of ours, who had a rental home that he let us use for a weekend. We had a low key Friday night at the rental, watching "Thank You For Smoking." Saturday, we caught up with our friend, who is pretty amazing. He is a brillant businessman and developer, but his heart is for working with guys who have had a pretty rough history and seeing them have real change in their lives. So, we got to his place and talked for a while before we got into his Hummer. Ah yes, the fun begins. He drove us through some land that he has bought and some that he gave away to the local municipality, all of which was fairly untouched other than a couple of trails and roads. We got out and one point and hiked a little ways to a nice hilltop. The sun was warm and the wind was blowing. Just a beautiful, pure day on the coast, which was very refreshing. On our way back, as we were going up a small but pretty serious incline, and our friend looked at the gas gauge and informed us that the gas tank is empty, which was emphasized by a slight sputtering of the motor. His answer to this was to hightail it through the back country on some "roads" to get back to his place as fast as he can, where there was a 5 gallon can of diesel waiting for his thirsty vehicle. When we arrived back at his place, we were all very hungry as wandering on foot along the hill and the exhiliration of the Hummer ride made us all quite famished. He parked the Hummer and asked if we should take the convertible... ummm, yes. Yes we shall. The car is an AMG, which is faster than a Ferrari. I only know this because he showed us the shift paddles on the steering wheel. We drove to a little seafood place of his recommendation (I hate seafood, but my wife loves it and has been fairly deprived since we got married, sorry honey.) And the drives to and from were punctuated with "sprints." He would find a place to speed up and get all the way up to 70 mph in the span of about 7 seconds, usually towards an intersection or another (stopped) car. We are fortunate that our friend has no desire to see us come to harm, otherwise, his motives (and desire to live) might have come into question. And to top it all off, we were invited to a bonfire on the beach that night, where a bonfire that was taller than my head was successfully built, despite being nearly thwarted for a lack of paper. S'mores ensued, once the fire got going.
That is all for now. Peace to you.
The last month and a half have been busy, so I will do the highlights:
In late June was my wife's birthday! We had our private celebration at the Cheesecake Factory, and then a party at Wilfs with a bunch of friends. Both were good and my wife loved her hard won gift.
In early July was our anniversary and we had a great dinner at Jake's and a night at a fancy-schmance hotel, woo woo!
And my birthday was later in July and we had a great open house that people came over and ate and talked and we eventually broke out the Wii. Many rounds of tennis, bowling, and boxing ensued. And there was much rejoicing. Yay!
Now onto this weekend. We went to the coast because of the invitation of a friend of ours, who had a rental home that he let us use for a weekend. We had a low key Friday night at the rental, watching "Thank You For Smoking." Saturday, we caught up with our friend, who is pretty amazing. He is a brillant businessman and developer, but his heart is for working with guys who have had a pretty rough history and seeing them have real change in their lives. So, we got to his place and talked for a while before we got into his Hummer. Ah yes, the fun begins. He drove us through some land that he has bought and some that he gave away to the local municipality, all of which was fairly untouched other than a couple of trails and roads. We got out and one point and hiked a little ways to a nice hilltop. The sun was warm and the wind was blowing. Just a beautiful, pure day on the coast, which was very refreshing. On our way back, as we were going up a small but pretty serious incline, and our friend looked at the gas gauge and informed us that the gas tank is empty, which was emphasized by a slight sputtering of the motor. His answer to this was to hightail it through the back country on some "roads" to get back to his place as fast as he can, where there was a 5 gallon can of diesel waiting for his thirsty vehicle. When we arrived back at his place, we were all very hungry as wandering on foot along the hill and the exhiliration of the Hummer ride made us all quite famished. He parked the Hummer and asked if we should take the convertible... ummm, yes. Yes we shall. The car is an AMG, which is faster than a Ferrari. I only know this because he showed us the shift paddles on the steering wheel. We drove to a little seafood place of his recommendation (I hate seafood, but my wife loves it and has been fairly deprived since we got married, sorry honey.) And the drives to and from were punctuated with "sprints." He would find a place to speed up and get all the way up to 70 mph in the span of about 7 seconds, usually towards an intersection or another (stopped) car. We are fortunate that our friend has no desire to see us come to harm, otherwise, his motives (and desire to live) might have come into question. And to top it all off, we were invited to a bonfire on the beach that night, where a bonfire that was taller than my head was successfully built, despite being nearly thwarted for a lack of paper. S'mores ensued, once the fire got going.
That is all for now. Peace to you.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Recent Good Times...
So, about 15 minutes before I got off work on Monday night, my wife emails me and says that she is picking me because she has a surprise for me. Sweet. Surprises from my wife are good. She picked me up and had small bag of snacks. I asked what was going on. She asked if I trusted her. Yep. You bet. And we drove on I-5 north to Vancouver, beyond Vancouver and after we got just past Kalama, she spilled the beans.
"Do you wanna know where we're going?"
"Sure..."
"I called the Target in Kelso and they said that they have 2 Wiis... but that we had to come quick. So they may not have it, but I thought it would be a fun adventure."
"Sweet."
We pulled into the Target parking lot and made our way quickly to the Electronics section, all the while suspiciously eyeing everyone with a cart and a child.
One left.
Happy Birhtday to me, Happy Birthday to me...
The Wii is great fun, and it is nice to be playing games and moving around... the whole use of the remote with motion requires imagination, which is far more joyous than the increased capabilities of the other systems available.
This weekend my wife and I went to visit her family up in Washington. Her youngest brother is graduating high school and so we went and hung out for the weekend. The ceremony was fine and hanging with the in-laws was really good. But the highlight was really reading Scripture in the library nook at my father-in-law's house. It was the most life-giving experience with Scripture I have had in a long time. I think part of that reality is that my wife and I have been leading a home community and just stepped down. It is the first time that I was reading for me and not to gleen something for others. Which in theory I knew was not a good way to go about things, but in practice becomes hard to do. So, refreshing time with Jesus. Yay!
Here is hoping you have a very life giving experience with God soon.
"Do you wanna know where we're going?"
"Sure..."
"I called the Target in Kelso and they said that they have 2 Wiis... but that we had to come quick. So they may not have it, but I thought it would be a fun adventure."
"Sweet."
We pulled into the Target parking lot and made our way quickly to the Electronics section, all the while suspiciously eyeing everyone with a cart and a child.
One left.
Happy Birhtday to me, Happy Birthday to me...
The Wii is great fun, and it is nice to be playing games and moving around... the whole use of the remote with motion requires imagination, which is far more joyous than the increased capabilities of the other systems available.
This weekend my wife and I went to visit her family up in Washington. Her youngest brother is graduating high school and so we went and hung out for the weekend. The ceremony was fine and hanging with the in-laws was really good. But the highlight was really reading Scripture in the library nook at my father-in-law's house. It was the most life-giving experience with Scripture I have had in a long time. I think part of that reality is that my wife and I have been leading a home community and just stepped down. It is the first time that I was reading for me and not to gleen something for others. Which in theory I knew was not a good way to go about things, but in practice becomes hard to do. So, refreshing time with Jesus. Yay!
Here is hoping you have a very life giving experience with God soon.
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